wow!! it has been 2 years since my last post. kinda weird actually, but it does feel nice to be back....
so many things had happened, a lot to tell and i do not know where to begin...
status : ...single...still :) but happy with my life at the moment, sure there'll be ups and downs, but taking it slowly and enjoying every moment of it....
new job, a good one (no more lousy self centered boss), a good pay, new frens and colleagues....and these people, they are really happening and they love me, that's for sure....hahah
and not forgetting...a lot of new shoessssss....yeay!!!!!!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Friday, November 02, 2007
a year ago....
'i don't think i can go on ...if i do, the situation is going to be very ugly for you ...and it will hurt you badly, i don't want you to get hurt'
'i love u, that is why i have to do this, i have to let you go...'
2 November 2006....his last words....
saat terindah saat bersamamu
begitu lelapnya aku pun terbuai
sebenarnya aku t'lah berharap
ku kan memiliki dirimu selamanya
segenap hatiku luluh lantak mengiringi lukaku yang kehilangan dirimu
sungguh ku tak mampu tuk meredam kepedihan hatiku
untuk merelakan kepergianmu
ingin kuyakini cinta takkan berakhir
namun takdir menuliskan kita harus berakhir
segenap hatiku luluh lantak mengiringi dukaku yang kehilangan dirimu
sungguh ku tak mampu tuk meredam kepedihan hatiku
untuk merelakan kepergianmu
'i love u, that is why i have to do this, i have to let you go...'
2 November 2006....his last words....
saat terindah saat bersamamu
begitu lelapnya aku pun terbuai
sebenarnya aku t'lah berharap
ku kan memiliki dirimu selamanya
segenap hatiku luluh lantak mengiringi lukaku yang kehilangan dirimu
sungguh ku tak mampu tuk meredam kepedihan hatiku
untuk merelakan kepergianmu
ingin kuyakini cinta takkan berakhir
namun takdir menuliskan kita harus berakhir
segenap hatiku luluh lantak mengiringi dukaku yang kehilangan dirimu
sungguh ku tak mampu tuk meredam kepedihan hatiku
untuk merelakan kepergianmu
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
broken vow
Tell me her name
I want to know
The way she looks
And where you go
I need to see her face
I need to understand
Why you and I came to an end
Tell me again
I want to hear
Who broke my faith in all these years
Who lays with you at night
When I'm here all alone
Remembering when I was your own
I'll let you go
I'll let you fly
Why do I keep asking why
I'll let you go
Now that I found
A way to keep somehow
More than a broken vow
Tell me the words I never said
Show me the tears you never shed
Give me the touch
That one you promised to be mine
Or has it vanished for all time
I close my eyes
And dream of you and I
And then I realize
There's more to life than only bitterness and lies
I close my eyes
I'd give away my soul
To hold you once again
And never let this promise end
lately...
Hari ni aku masuk awal ke ofis, tapi aku dah tau aku masuk awal pun aku bukan ade keje nak buat.Keje aku kat ofis ni memang tak banyak, bosan jugak kadang-kadang tu. Bila takde keje, mulalah fikiran aku ni melayang entah ke mana. Pastu, boss pulak masuk awal, selalu after lunch baru masuk. Rupanya die nak bagi aku appraisal form...adoiii, kena fill up appraisal form lah pulak.
Aku sebenarnye tak seronok sangat keje kat ofis aku ni. Kenapelah susah sangat nak cari tempat keje yang betul2 aku seronok dan comfortable. Dulu ade tempat yang macam ni, tapi gaji pulak kecik...tu sebab aku carik keje lain tu.
Aku dulu janji ngan diri aku sendiri mesti kawin dalam tahun 2000...hahhahaha, ni dah 2007 pun tak kawin2 lagi. Apalah nasib aku, payah betullah...
Mase aku pegi kenduri kawin kat kampung aku hari tu, makcik aku cakap ade orang berkenan kat aku.So in order tak nak kecikkan hati makcik aku, aku pun cakap ok.
Tetibe kat kenduri tu makcik aku tarik aku ke tepi ajak aku gi kat satu meja ni. Aku ingat die nak cakap details pasal ni, rupa-rupanya makcik aku ni bawak aku gi jumpe ngan sorang makcik ni. Makcik aku pun kenalkanlah aku ngan makcik ni. Dengan aku yang dah merah muka kat situ, salam lah ngan makcik tu. Dan makcik tu dengan selambenya cakap kat aku 'Ha, nilah anak makcik...' Aku pun toleh and senyum je lah. Pastu aku pun terus blah. Pastu petang tu plak, siaplah cousin2 aku call tanye nak ke tak nak. Aku dengan terus terangnye cakap tak nak.
hhmmm....salah ke bile aku cakap tak nak? Mesti die org cakap apsal lah aku ni taknak, dahlah tak kawin2 lagi, orang berkenan pun tak nak. Ntahlah, pade aku yang berkenan kat aku, mak dia, bukan anak dia. Sebab aku tengok tak de effort pun dari anak dia. Tiba-tiba aku rase aku tak ready untuk semua ni. Lagilah ngan orang yang sekampung. Ada sedikit phobia dengan orang yang sekampung.
Dulu aku sangat pelik kenapa orang tak boleh nak accept orang baru dalam life masing-masing. Aku ade sorang kawan lelaki and kite orang boleh dikatakan close. Dia ni divorcee, aku pelik sangat mase dulu kenapa dia ni tak boleh nak teruskan life dia dengan orang lain. Teruskan je lah, ape susah, lupakan the ex. Sekarang baru aku faham ape yang dia rase, macamana dia tak boleh nak 'let go' the ex. Nak compare situasi aku ngan dia, memang berbeza dan dia lagi berat menanggung sakit sebab dia dah kawin ngan ex dia. Aku plak, tak sempat kawin lagi. Tak sempat kawin pun dah rase macam ape yang aku rase, apalagi kalau dah kawin.
Hari tu ade satu malam aku mimpi K datang balik kat aku. Dia siap bawa anak lelaki dia. Aku tanye, kenapa u datang balik, then dia cakap 'L mesti terima semua orang dalam hidup i, so dia mesti terima kalau i sayang u'. L ialah isteri K.
Aku terjaga lepas tu. Senangnye dia cakap...tapi itu mimpi je..aku ingat kalau aku sambung tidur balik, boleh sambung mimpi tu..tapi tak bersambung pun...ciss...
Semalam aku dok tengok gambar2 dalam pendrive aku, ade terselit gambar K, aku save mase dia email aku gambar die mula2 dulu...hhmmm, takdelah hensem, tapi apsal lah aku boleh tersangkut kat mamat ni. Tapi dia memang memenuhi 85% kriteria lelaki yang aku nak...pasal tu kot.
yes..tonite ade grey's anatomy...i watch it coz burke really resembles K in so many ways...except that K is the white version of burke... :)
Aku sebenarnye tak seronok sangat keje kat ofis aku ni. Kenapelah susah sangat nak cari tempat keje yang betul2 aku seronok dan comfortable. Dulu ade tempat yang macam ni, tapi gaji pulak kecik...tu sebab aku carik keje lain tu.
Aku dulu janji ngan diri aku sendiri mesti kawin dalam tahun 2000...hahhahaha, ni dah 2007 pun tak kawin2 lagi. Apalah nasib aku, payah betullah...
Mase aku pegi kenduri kawin kat kampung aku hari tu, makcik aku cakap ade orang berkenan kat aku.So in order tak nak kecikkan hati makcik aku, aku pun cakap ok.
Tetibe kat kenduri tu makcik aku tarik aku ke tepi ajak aku gi kat satu meja ni. Aku ingat die nak cakap details pasal ni, rupa-rupanya makcik aku ni bawak aku gi jumpe ngan sorang makcik ni. Makcik aku pun kenalkanlah aku ngan makcik ni. Dengan aku yang dah merah muka kat situ, salam lah ngan makcik tu. Dan makcik tu dengan selambenya cakap kat aku 'Ha, nilah anak makcik...' Aku pun toleh and senyum je lah. Pastu aku pun terus blah. Pastu petang tu plak, siaplah cousin2 aku call tanye nak ke tak nak. Aku dengan terus terangnye cakap tak nak.
hhmmm....salah ke bile aku cakap tak nak? Mesti die org cakap apsal lah aku ni taknak, dahlah tak kawin2 lagi, orang berkenan pun tak nak. Ntahlah, pade aku yang berkenan kat aku, mak dia, bukan anak dia. Sebab aku tengok tak de effort pun dari anak dia. Tiba-tiba aku rase aku tak ready untuk semua ni. Lagilah ngan orang yang sekampung. Ada sedikit phobia dengan orang yang sekampung.
Dulu aku sangat pelik kenapa orang tak boleh nak accept orang baru dalam life masing-masing. Aku ade sorang kawan lelaki and kite orang boleh dikatakan close. Dia ni divorcee, aku pelik sangat mase dulu kenapa dia ni tak boleh nak teruskan life dia dengan orang lain. Teruskan je lah, ape susah, lupakan the ex. Sekarang baru aku faham ape yang dia rase, macamana dia tak boleh nak 'let go' the ex. Nak compare situasi aku ngan dia, memang berbeza dan dia lagi berat menanggung sakit sebab dia dah kawin ngan ex dia. Aku plak, tak sempat kawin lagi. Tak sempat kawin pun dah rase macam ape yang aku rase, apalagi kalau dah kawin.
Hari tu ade satu malam aku mimpi K datang balik kat aku. Dia siap bawa anak lelaki dia. Aku tanye, kenapa u datang balik, then dia cakap 'L mesti terima semua orang dalam hidup i, so dia mesti terima kalau i sayang u'. L ialah isteri K.
Aku terjaga lepas tu. Senangnye dia cakap...tapi itu mimpi je..aku ingat kalau aku sambung tidur balik, boleh sambung mimpi tu..tapi tak bersambung pun...ciss...
Semalam aku dok tengok gambar2 dalam pendrive aku, ade terselit gambar K, aku save mase dia email aku gambar die mula2 dulu...hhmmm, takdelah hensem, tapi apsal lah aku boleh tersangkut kat mamat ni. Tapi dia memang memenuhi 85% kriteria lelaki yang aku nak...pasal tu kot.
yes..tonite ade grey's anatomy...i watch it coz burke really resembles K in so many ways...except that K is the white version of burke... :)
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
the cruelty of a creature who was once the love of my life...DL
to my DL...
u were very cruel to me and last nite was the 'cruelest' of them all...
i now take a bow and will not be in ur way...the show's over
i'm deleting u from my life...
i wish the next lady in line the very best of luck...
...the image of beautiful floating klcc which we witnessed together on that very first nite will be with me always...
u were very cruel to me and last nite was the 'cruelest' of them all...
i now take a bow and will not be in ur way...the show's over
i'm deleting u from my life...
i wish the next lady in line the very best of luck...
...the image of beautiful floating klcc which we witnessed together on that very first nite will be with me always...
Thursday, May 31, 2007
aku.........
depress...itu yang menggambarkan ape yang aku rase sekarang...
stress dengan kerja...stress dengan life aku....
ape yang aku buat semua tak kena, hati rase tak sedap, tak tenang....
semalam member aku call cakap yang dia nak kawin bulan 7 ni...entahlah, aku sepatutnya happy untuk dia, tapi hati aku tak seronok langsung...memang aku happy untuk dia, cuma aku sedih sebab aku tak kawin lagi...bukan setakat tak kawin, bf pun aku tak de...
bosan bila takde bf, takde orang aku nak share prob aku, takde org tempat aku mengadu..sebab aku jenis perahsia..hanya ngan bf aku je aku boleh share everything, memang ade ramai kengkawan, tapi tak semua benda aku boleh share ngan kengkawan aku..
ape yang aku rase sebenarnye hanya aku yang tahu..sbb aku memang pandai mengcover aku punye sadness/problem dari pangdangan mata kasar kengkawan n family aku...
hipokrit ke tu?
mungkin dalam sesetengah keadaan aku hipokrit...sebab aku tak suka orang tahu kelemahan aku agaknye..
yang menambahkan lagi stress aku, kat ofis aku, kerja aku selalu terganggu sebab pc kat ofis tu selalu ade problem...sebabnye org IT tak maintain system kat ofis tu, ntah berape kali dah server down, pc rosak....keje aku kena tangguh lagi...
aku cukup menyampah bile kerja tertangguh..nnt aku kena buat extra keje bile pc dah ok....aku cukup tak suka bile benda2 macam ni jadi..
dua tiga hari kebelakangan ni, aku mimpi K lagi...3 malam berturut, ade ape2 makna ke? aku pun risau...ok ke dia? aku memang risau...rase ringan je jari aku nak tekan nombor die kat hp aku tu, tapi tak boleh...bukan aku tak mau, aku mau tapi TAK BOLEH..
kenapa tak boleh..sebab die laki orang....
jelas aku tak bersedia untuk 'letting him go'...dah 7 bulan berlalu, aku masih teringatkan K...
aku tak mampu nak benci dia, sbb dia lah yang mengajar aku erti sayang, cinta...
pada dia aku curah segala isi hati aku, prob aku, dan dia lah yang menenangkan hati aku...segala buruk baik aku dia tahu dan begitu juga sebaliknya...
adakah aku kena ada pengganti baru aku boleh lupakan K?
baru sekarang aku faham kenapa ade perempuan sanggup menjadi isteri kedua dan seterusnya...
selama ini aku adalah antara mereka yang sangat benci bile perempuan ada affair ngan laki orang, tapi bile dah kena batang hidung sendiri, baru aku faham kenapa...dan baru sekarang aku tidak lagi memandang serong kepada mereka ini...mereka ade reason tersendiri...CINTA....cinta memang mengatasi segala-galanya...
mungkin ada yang benci aku sbb aku pernah ada affair ngan laki orang, tapi aku tak kisah...itu adalah salah satu pengalaman mengenai kehidupan aku...seperti yang aku pernah kata...no regrets....
org keliling selalu tanya bila aku nak kawin? memang aku nak kawin...calon je tak de..siap ade yang cakap 'kenapa tak kawin lagi...dah lambat dah ni....'
memang umur aku dah >30<35, tapi siape dia orang nak ckp dah lambat atau belum..ini soal jodoh, aku tetap kena sabar dan berdoa jodoh aku sampai secepat mungkin...
kalau lah kawin tu sesenang beli goreng pisang atau ade jual di supermarket...dah lame aku beli...
sebab aku rase aku dah cukup bersedia utk memasuki alam rumahtangga...aku nak ada anak, tiap kali aku baca blog yang bercerita tentang ibu dan anak, memang bergenang air mata aku, betapa aku teringin nak ada anak dan husband macam mereka...
macam royal jester, ibu vouge, kak elly, izawani....
seronok aku baca blog mereka, tentang keletah anak2 dan juga kadang2 husband mereka..
aku harap aku pun dapat rasai semua itu nanti...insyaallah...aminn...
stress dengan kerja...stress dengan life aku....
ape yang aku buat semua tak kena, hati rase tak sedap, tak tenang....
semalam member aku call cakap yang dia nak kawin bulan 7 ni...entahlah, aku sepatutnya happy untuk dia, tapi hati aku tak seronok langsung...memang aku happy untuk dia, cuma aku sedih sebab aku tak kawin lagi...bukan setakat tak kawin, bf pun aku tak de...
bosan bila takde bf, takde orang aku nak share prob aku, takde org tempat aku mengadu..sebab aku jenis perahsia..hanya ngan bf aku je aku boleh share everything, memang ade ramai kengkawan, tapi tak semua benda aku boleh share ngan kengkawan aku..
ape yang aku rase sebenarnye hanya aku yang tahu..sbb aku memang pandai mengcover aku punye sadness/problem dari pangdangan mata kasar kengkawan n family aku...
hipokrit ke tu?
mungkin dalam sesetengah keadaan aku hipokrit...sebab aku tak suka orang tahu kelemahan aku agaknye..
yang menambahkan lagi stress aku, kat ofis aku, kerja aku selalu terganggu sebab pc kat ofis tu selalu ade problem...sebabnye org IT tak maintain system kat ofis tu, ntah berape kali dah server down, pc rosak....keje aku kena tangguh lagi...
aku cukup menyampah bile kerja tertangguh..nnt aku kena buat extra keje bile pc dah ok....aku cukup tak suka bile benda2 macam ni jadi..
dua tiga hari kebelakangan ni, aku mimpi K lagi...3 malam berturut, ade ape2 makna ke? aku pun risau...ok ke dia? aku memang risau...rase ringan je jari aku nak tekan nombor die kat hp aku tu, tapi tak boleh...bukan aku tak mau, aku mau tapi TAK BOLEH..
kenapa tak boleh..sebab die laki orang....
jelas aku tak bersedia untuk 'letting him go'...dah 7 bulan berlalu, aku masih teringatkan K...
aku tak mampu nak benci dia, sbb dia lah yang mengajar aku erti sayang, cinta...
pada dia aku curah segala isi hati aku, prob aku, dan dia lah yang menenangkan hati aku...segala buruk baik aku dia tahu dan begitu juga sebaliknya...
adakah aku kena ada pengganti baru aku boleh lupakan K?
baru sekarang aku faham kenapa ade perempuan sanggup menjadi isteri kedua dan seterusnya...
selama ini aku adalah antara mereka yang sangat benci bile perempuan ada affair ngan laki orang, tapi bile dah kena batang hidung sendiri, baru aku faham kenapa...dan baru sekarang aku tidak lagi memandang serong kepada mereka ini...mereka ade reason tersendiri...CINTA....cinta memang mengatasi segala-galanya...
mungkin ada yang benci aku sbb aku pernah ada affair ngan laki orang, tapi aku tak kisah...itu adalah salah satu pengalaman mengenai kehidupan aku...seperti yang aku pernah kata...no regrets....
org keliling selalu tanya bila aku nak kawin? memang aku nak kawin...calon je tak de..siap ade yang cakap 'kenapa tak kawin lagi...dah lambat dah ni....'
memang umur aku dah >30<35, tapi siape dia orang nak ckp dah lambat atau belum..ini soal jodoh, aku tetap kena sabar dan berdoa jodoh aku sampai secepat mungkin...
kalau lah kawin tu sesenang beli goreng pisang atau ade jual di supermarket...dah lame aku beli...
sebab aku rase aku dah cukup bersedia utk memasuki alam rumahtangga...aku nak ada anak, tiap kali aku baca blog yang bercerita tentang ibu dan anak, memang bergenang air mata aku, betapa aku teringin nak ada anak dan husband macam mereka...
macam royal jester, ibu vouge, kak elly, izawani....
seronok aku baca blog mereka, tentang keletah anak2 dan juga kadang2 husband mereka..
aku harap aku pun dapat rasai semua itu nanti...insyaallah...aminn...
Monday, April 23, 2007
scared....SERIOUSLY???
6 months have passed..
i am now able to accept 100% that K is not the one for me (sebelum ni accept jugak, tapi selalu men'deny'kannya)
i dont feel sad anymore when i see 'things' that reminds me of K..
a lot of 'things' around me reminds me of K..
when i saw these 'things' last time, i would cry..how stupid..
my relatives often asked me 'don't you have any boyfriend?'
'malas nak cari' was always my reply. i have this EGO problem when people ask me about marriage.
why do i do that? maybe i don't want to show them that i'm desparate? maybe....
but deep down, i WANT one. i WANT to get married. i WANT to settle down. i WANT kids.
but i'm SCARED....
SCARED of being hurt....again...
i am now able to accept 100% that K is not the one for me (sebelum ni accept jugak, tapi selalu men'deny'kannya)
i dont feel sad anymore when i see 'things' that reminds me of K..
a lot of 'things' around me reminds me of K..
when i saw these 'things' last time, i would cry..how stupid..
my relatives often asked me 'don't you have any boyfriend?'
'malas nak cari' was always my reply. i have this EGO problem when people ask me about marriage.
why do i do that? maybe i don't want to show them that i'm desparate? maybe....
but deep down, i WANT one. i WANT to get married. i WANT to settle down. i WANT kids.
but i'm SCARED....
SCARED of being hurt....again...
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
25 March 2007
Lately, i've been dreaming a lot about K...good ones...bad ones....every nite
At this point i know that i am not strong...not strong to let him go.
I HAVE to let him go. I MUST let him go.
Why is it so difficult?
I did go into one relationship, it did not work out. Broke up at the very early stage. I kept quarelling with him, pity him.
I apologize for not being able to commit to the relationship.
The reason is because I am not letting K go.
I was not sincere about the relationship...i guess it was my way out of trying to forget K.
I've been told to do something that can make me happy. Ok, i picked up a hobby.
Yeah, it does make me happy...
but only when i'm doing it, after that...i'm still not happy...
28 March 2007
Last nite...i was about to sleep and K was on my mind...and without me realizing airmata mengalir lagi...I've been crying almost every nite...
Never had i felt this way before...i mean i have been in and out of relationships, but it was not as bad as this one.
Only God knows what i'm feeling every moment.
How I wish things would go away as easy as abc....aarrgghhhh!!!!!
Lately, i've been dreaming a lot about K...good ones...bad ones....every nite
At this point i know that i am not strong...not strong to let him go.
I HAVE to let him go. I MUST let him go.
Why is it so difficult?
I did go into one relationship, it did not work out. Broke up at the very early stage. I kept quarelling with him, pity him.
I apologize for not being able to commit to the relationship.
The reason is because I am not letting K go.
I was not sincere about the relationship...i guess it was my way out of trying to forget K.
I've been told to do something that can make me happy. Ok, i picked up a hobby.
Yeah, it does make me happy...
but only when i'm doing it, after that...i'm still not happy...
28 March 2007
Last nite...i was about to sleep and K was on my mind...and without me realizing airmata mengalir lagi...I've been crying almost every nite...
Never had i felt this way before...i mean i have been in and out of relationships, but it was not as bad as this one.
Only God knows what i'm feeling every moment.
How I wish things would go away as easy as abc....aarrgghhhh!!!!!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
C.I.N.T.A.
menapak jalan yg menjauh
tentukan arah yg ku mau
tempatan aku pada satu peristiwa
yg membuat hati lara
di dekat engkau aku tenang
sendu matamu penuh tanya
misteri hidup akankah menghilang
dan bahagia di akhir cerita
cinta, tegarkan hatiku
tak mau sesuatu merenggut engkau
naluriku berkata, tak ingin terulang lagi
kehilangan cinta, hati bagai raga tak bernyawa
aku junjung petuahmu
cintai dia yg mencintaiku
hatinya dulu berlayar, kini telah menepi
bukankah hidup kita akhirnya harus bahagia
di dekat engkau aku tenang
sendu matamu penuh tanya
misteri hidup akankah menghilang
dan bahagia di akhir cerita
cinta biar saja ada
yg terjadi biar saja terjadi
bagaimana pun hidup hanya cerita
cerita tentang yg meninggalkan
dan yg ditinggalkan
cinta
i miss him.....i really do.....
Friday, January 12, 2007
k...k...k...2
i have to admit that having k in my life was one of the best things that happened to me...
...we emailed each other everyday, it was strictly bussiness at first...as the time goes by, the purpose of the email changed...
One day i called his office, his colleague told me that he'll be on leave for the whole week. Ok, it was the school holiday at that time. I thought to myself, he's taking leave on school holiday...he must be married. When he came back, i asked him where he went. 'Took ur kids for holiday ke?' I could hear his 'reluctantness' in replying my question, so asked him again and he answered 'ermmm...no lah, anak belum sekolah lagi'. I was hoping that his answer would be 'No, i'm not even married.' But that was definitely not his answer. Damnnnn.....he's married...
I quit my job and he helped me in looking for a new job. When i got the new job, i emailed him to tell him the good news. From that day, it was an everyday thing again and it was not work related emails...
One day he asked me out and i agreed.
Everytime we went out, i would say to myself 'what am i doing? jahatnye aku keluar ngan suami orang...' I know very well that this is so very wrong, but at that time, nothing is stopping me. One day he asked me 'u sanggup jadi no 2 ke?' I was stunned...I don't know the answer...His question was not answered till today...
He showed me the pic of his wife and kids, one boy and one girl. The Malay saying 'sakitnya bagai dihiris-hiris' (cuts like a knife) was how i felt when i saw his wife's pic. Thinking of him together with his wife really hurt me.
We went out for a dinner 2 days before hari raya and on the way back, his wife called and she said that the son wants to speak to him. They spoke and i could hear his son asking him when is he coming home. I just sat there quietly and listened to their conversation. Then i heard him say 'Babah tak boleh cakaplah sayang, tengah drive'. Soon after that, their conversation ended. It was so quiet in the car after that. For me, i felt really hurt, but i'm not sure whether it was because of jealousy or because of the guilt.
When we arrived at my place, i just wished him a happy hari raya and he told me that it's not possible for him to call me during raya break, but he will text me. Then we said goddbye to each other. A week passed by and there was no messages from him, so i called him. I sensed something's not right when i can feel the 'reluctantness' again from his side. I confronted him by telling that if he wants to end this, just say it. He ask me whether i'm happy and i said no, i'm not happy. Then what is the point of going on....We discussed and agreed that breaking up is the best way...
Part of me still hurt and the other part felt so relieved that this is over. I know i will survive this break up....
I pray that this will be my first and my last involvement with somebody else's husband...Tak sanggup rasanya nak sakiti hati perempuan lain dan kalau dia boleh ada affair ketika dia masih lagi berkahwin, dia juga boleh melakukannya kepadaku sekiranya kami berkahwin...
I thank God that He showed me the way out...Alhamdulillah
That was the end of me and K...
no regrets...
...we emailed each other everyday, it was strictly bussiness at first...as the time goes by, the purpose of the email changed...
One day i called his office, his colleague told me that he'll be on leave for the whole week. Ok, it was the school holiday at that time. I thought to myself, he's taking leave on school holiday...he must be married. When he came back, i asked him where he went. 'Took ur kids for holiday ke?' I could hear his 'reluctantness' in replying my question, so asked him again and he answered 'ermmm...no lah, anak belum sekolah lagi'. I was hoping that his answer would be 'No, i'm not even married.' But that was definitely not his answer. Damnnnn.....he's married...
I quit my job and he helped me in looking for a new job. When i got the new job, i emailed him to tell him the good news. From that day, it was an everyday thing again and it was not work related emails...
One day he asked me out and i agreed.
Everytime we went out, i would say to myself 'what am i doing? jahatnye aku keluar ngan suami orang...' I know very well that this is so very wrong, but at that time, nothing is stopping me. One day he asked me 'u sanggup jadi no 2 ke?' I was stunned...I don't know the answer...His question was not answered till today...
He showed me the pic of his wife and kids, one boy and one girl. The Malay saying 'sakitnya bagai dihiris-hiris' (cuts like a knife) was how i felt when i saw his wife's pic. Thinking of him together with his wife really hurt me.
We went out for a dinner 2 days before hari raya and on the way back, his wife called and she said that the son wants to speak to him. They spoke and i could hear his son asking him when is he coming home. I just sat there quietly and listened to their conversation. Then i heard him say 'Babah tak boleh cakaplah sayang, tengah drive'. Soon after that, their conversation ended. It was so quiet in the car after that. For me, i felt really hurt, but i'm not sure whether it was because of jealousy or because of the guilt.
When we arrived at my place, i just wished him a happy hari raya and he told me that it's not possible for him to call me during raya break, but he will text me. Then we said goddbye to each other. A week passed by and there was no messages from him, so i called him. I sensed something's not right when i can feel the 'reluctantness' again from his side. I confronted him by telling that if he wants to end this, just say it. He ask me whether i'm happy and i said no, i'm not happy. Then what is the point of going on....We discussed and agreed that breaking up is the best way...
Part of me still hurt and the other part felt so relieved that this is over. I know i will survive this break up....
I pray that this will be my first and my last involvement with somebody else's husband...Tak sanggup rasanya nak sakiti hati perempuan lain dan kalau dia boleh ada affair ketika dia masih lagi berkahwin, dia juga boleh melakukannya kepadaku sekiranya kami berkahwin...
I thank God that He showed me the way out...Alhamdulillah
That was the end of me and K...
no regrets...
Monday, January 08, 2007
a new hope....2007
wow...lame aku tak berblogging...been busy for quite some time and tak de idea pun ye jugak...
so now dah 2007...
2006...tahun yang banyak menyimpan suka duka, banyak mengajar aku erti hidup, cukup berbeza dari tahun-tahun sebelumnya...bermacam-macam kenangan yang aku lalui, manis, masin, masam dan pahit...pahit yang sampai sekarang pun tak tertelan lagi...
dan tahun 2006 juga telah berjaya membuat aku confuse dengan diri aku sendiri..
2007...aku harap tahun ini akan mengubah sedikit sebanyak routine kehidupan aku selama ini...sentiasa positif dan berdoa yang terbaik akan tercapai dalam tahun ini...
hope everything goes well in 2007...lalalalalalala
** first album aku beli tahun ni...best...kalau sean ghazi buat concert, sure aku pegi punye...
...shall we dance...errmmmm, anybody?
so now dah 2007...
2006...tahun yang banyak menyimpan suka duka, banyak mengajar aku erti hidup, cukup berbeza dari tahun-tahun sebelumnya...bermacam-macam kenangan yang aku lalui, manis, masin, masam dan pahit...pahit yang sampai sekarang pun tak tertelan lagi...
dan tahun 2006 juga telah berjaya membuat aku confuse dengan diri aku sendiri..
2007...aku harap tahun ini akan mengubah sedikit sebanyak routine kehidupan aku selama ini...sentiasa positif dan berdoa yang terbaik akan tercapai dalam tahun ini...
hope everything goes well in 2007...lalalalalalala
** first album aku beli tahun ni...best...kalau sean ghazi buat concert, sure aku pegi punye...
...shall we dance...errmmmm, anybody?
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
joget kasih tak jadi
awan bergulung tuan di hari senja
nampak berbalam biru warnanya
tuan di gunung paya hamba di paya
dalam jambangan temu ingin bersama
terbang serindit tuan dengan kedidi
singgah di kayu di rumpun kayu
kasih menitik tuan basah tak jadi
walau bertahun rindu menanggung rindu
hatiku yang resah kubawa berdendang
memujuk diri dijeling tidak
sepantun berdendang dondanglah asmara
cuma igauan dalam igauan
berdendang hamba tuan bertepuk tuan
senyum di bibir hati terluka
kasih diberi orang dijeling orang
terasa hiba tidak terkira
sudilah tuan nyanyi bersama
alunan lagu hai kasih tak sampai
susunlah langkah layu di muka
tanda di hati hai masih berdarah
pantun berpantun tuan, mak andam sayang
berjual beli pantun melayu
walau dialun tuan, gurindam sayang
luka di hati orang tak tahu
kusulam kasih emas berbenang emas
orang bertaruh baiknya rupa
walaupun kasih balas tidak berbalas
tidak kukesal itu jadinya...
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
k.....k....k....1
i got to know him earlier this year. i was working with this big company. being one of the staffs in the department where money comes and go requires me to deal with the bank a lot.
i have to call them everyday. normally it was my supervisor who would make all the calls, until one day she decided to pass the duty to me...
'kb, i think you better call K from **** Bank. its easier .'
after a long pause she continued 'and you can get to know him, he's really nice...'
fine, now i'm the one who have to call the bank...everyday....damn it...
that was when it all started....
K : hello, **** Bank.
kb : hello, may I speak to Encik K please.
K : speaking.
kb : hi, this is kb from ***.
K : hi, what can i do for you?
kb : i'm calling regarding...bla...bla...bla...
K : it's like this...bla...bla...bla
kb : ok...thank u so much.
K : no problem.
...click...hhmmmm.....ok, he's kinda nice...
it was an everyday thing from that day....and it started to feel so nice to hear his voice...
up to where i dont have to introduce myself...he would recognized me from my 'hello' and he would mentioned my name after i said 'hello'....the way he said my name 'kbbbb...' was so niceeee.......with his husky n 'manja' voice....
its goes right deep into my soul...hehehehehe.....
one more thing i like about him is when he laugh....there's something about his laughter...
those days were beautiful...with just one phone call, then my day would be completed...
(gile bayang ape ???)
but do i get to see him?? ...sighhhh.....
i have to call them everyday. normally it was my supervisor who would make all the calls, until one day she decided to pass the duty to me...
'kb, i think you better call K from **** Bank. its easier .'
after a long pause she continued 'and you can get to know him, he's really nice...'
fine, now i'm the one who have to call the bank...everyday....damn it...
that was when it all started....
K : hello, **** Bank.
kb : hello, may I speak to Encik K please.
K : speaking.
kb : hi, this is kb from ***.
K : hi, what can i do for you?
kb : i'm calling regarding...bla...bla...bla...
K : it's like this...bla...bla...bla
kb : ok...thank u so much.
K : no problem.
...click...hhmmmm.....ok, he's kinda nice...
it was an everyday thing from that day....and it started to feel so nice to hear his voice...
up to where i dont have to introduce myself...he would recognized me from my 'hello' and he would mentioned my name after i said 'hello'....the way he said my name 'kbbbb...' was so niceeee.......with his husky n 'manja' voice....
its goes right deep into my soul...hehehehehe.....
one more thing i like about him is when he laugh....there's something about his laughter...
those days were beautiful...with just one phone call, then my day would be completed...
(gile bayang ape ???)
but do i get to see him?? ...sighhhh.....
Thursday, November 09, 2006
he's online....
oh God...he's online.....
and my heart beats so fast...
my ex baby...DL...
i still have feelings for him, even after what he did to me...
i would take him if he knocks on my door...again....
"r u out of ur mind?? dah lupe ape die dah buat kat ko??"
dah terdengar bebelan miss J di telingaku jika ditakdirkan bersama dengan DL semula...
ahh...tak mungkin...
he's online again after he went for his raya break overseas with his beloved parents...
the last time we talked was one day before he flew and it was not really a pleasant conversation...
and not even an ucapan of 'selamat hari raya' from him up to today...
what did i do to deserve this from him?? i could not figure it out...
feel like giving him a buzz, but takut pulak nanti luka lame berdarah kembali..
takut untuk sakit sekali lagi...
tapi i miss him so very much....
aarrrrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!
soal hati memang payah nak diungkaikan...
kadang-kadang memang malas nak layan soal hati sendiri...
and my heart beats so fast...
my ex baby...DL...
i still have feelings for him, even after what he did to me...
i would take him if he knocks on my door...again....
"r u out of ur mind?? dah lupe ape die dah buat kat ko??"
dah terdengar bebelan miss J di telingaku jika ditakdirkan bersama dengan DL semula...
ahh...tak mungkin...
he's online again after he went for his raya break overseas with his beloved parents...
the last time we talked was one day before he flew and it was not really a pleasant conversation...
and not even an ucapan of 'selamat hari raya' from him up to today...
what did i do to deserve this from him?? i could not figure it out...
feel like giving him a buzz, but takut pulak nanti luka lame berdarah kembali..
takut untuk sakit sekali lagi...
tapi i miss him so very much....
aarrrrgghhhhh!!!!!!!!!
soal hati memang payah nak diungkaikan...
kadang-kadang memang malas nak layan soal hati sendiri...
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
is this for real???
wow...i could not believe myself...i'm blogging..
someone introduce me to this blogging thingy about a year ago, and even asked me to create my own blog. i said nahh...i dont think i can write anything.
but today, i'm posting my first post...hhmmm....
i would normally keep evrything...my thoughts, my opinions, my problems to myself..
but now i will post it on my blog...i will let it out my chest for the whole world to know..
huh, i just luv these dotted lines.............
someone introduce me to this blogging thingy about a year ago, and even asked me to create my own blog. i said nahh...i dont think i can write anything.
but today, i'm posting my first post...hhmmm....
i would normally keep evrything...my thoughts, my opinions, my problems to myself..
but now i will post it on my blog...i will let it out my chest for the whole world to know..
huh, i just luv these dotted lines.............
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